The Canonical Collection of Tom Swifties

This is The Canonical Collection of Tom Swifties, posted by the man who collected and organized them -- and wrote many of them -- with the sweat of his brow. I meticulously acknowledge my sources. Certain thieves have seen fit to repost earlier versions of this collection with my name and the other credits deleted! Shame, shame, shame. Those who approve of courtesy to living Canonical Collection compilers will not re-post any version of this collection from which my name is missing.
------------------------ Mark Israel -----------------------
Special thanks to Ken Orabone of Tucson, Arizona, for converting this document to HTML. Drop by his page if you get a chance, and check out his Swifties.

There is currently a Tom Swifties contest that you can enter.

The History of Tom Swifties

Not many dictionaries define "Tom Swifty". One that does is The Random House Dictionary of the English Language, 1st edition (1966):
Tom Swiftie, a play on words that follows an unvarying pattern and relies for its humor on a punning relationship between the way an adverb describes a speaker and at the same time refers significantly to the import of the speaker's statement, as in "I know who turned off the lights," Tom hinted darkly. [named after a narrative mannerism characteristic of the Tom Swift American series of adventure novels for boys]
In actual use, "Tom Swifty" seems to have a somewhat broader meaning, and includes the form christened "croakers" by Roy Bongartz, wherein a verb rather than an adverb supplies the pun (e.g. "I'm dying", he croaked).

"Who is this Tom Swifty character anyway?" asked Tom unselfconsciously.

Tom Swift was the brainchild of Edward L. Stratemeyer (1862-1930). Stratemeyer first used the name "Tom Swift" for the title character in "Shorthand Tom; or, the exploits of a young reporter", serialized in 1894. Sixteen years later he re-used the name for a new character, an ingenious youth whose amazing scientific inventions and discoveries would carry him to weird and wonderful places. The Tom Swift adventure series, which was published under the pseudonym Victor Appleton, began with Tom Swift and his motor-cycle; or Fun and Adventure on the road in 1910, and continued until 1935 (5 years after Stratemeyer's death!). Stratemeyer was also the creator of the Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, and other lesser-known series. Stratemeyer only supplied the characters and the (repetitive) plots for his books; he had a syndicate of some 20 hack writers to do the actual writing. The chief actual writer of the Tom Swift books was Howard Roger Garis (1873-1962). After Stratemeyer's death, the syndicate was taken over by his daughter, Harriet S. Adams, who in 1954 started the "Tom Swift, Jr." series under the pseudonym Victor Appleton II.

The "narrative mannerism" that the Random House Dictionary mentions was not the Tom Swifty as such, but merely the laboured avoidance of the unadorned use of the word "said". Tom never merely "said" anything; he asserted, asseverated, averred, chuckled, declared, ejaculated, expostulated, grinned (plainly or mischievously), groaned, quipped, or smiled. In particular, sentences of the form:
"---", Tom said ---ly.
were used ad nauseam. Then one day day someone decided to satirize the mannerism by using puns, and the Tom Swifty was born.

Tom Swifties, as a form, predate Tom Swift. The Cambridge Encyclopedia of the English Language says that they are "known from Victorian times", and gives examples from James Joyce's Ulysses (1922). Playboy magazine claims to have pioneered Tom Swifties in print in February 1963, but I haven't seen the issue.

What follows is a fairly large collection of Tom Swifties. They are alphabetized -- by adverb if there is one (even if the adverb is not the pun word), or, if there is no adverb, by pun word. Some (actually almost half of them) are original with me. Some were culled from Usenet.

Search: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

(The Usenet contributors include David Albert, George Amis, John J. Amsler, Marty Billingsley, Tim Bissell, Paul Bouchard, Mark Bradakis, Steve Carlip, Malcolm Carlock, William Carton, Pamela Cho, David Chorley, Wayne Christopher, David Cooper, Mark Cooper, Ben Cranston, Matt Crawford, Steve Creps, Will Crowder, Daniel Dasaro, William Davidsen, Norman Diamond, Jay D'Lugin, Al Donaldson, Craig Eisler, Sharon Lynne Fisher, Gordon Fitch, John Freeman, Bill Garrett, Charlie Gibbs, Michael Goldman, Dan Gordon, Helen Grayson, John Gregory, John Griffin, Sigrid Grimm, Marc de Groot, Carl Hansen, Tony Harminc, Ted Hayes, Nick Hocking, Larry Hughes, Don Hutton, Larry Israel, Chris Jackson, Ken Johnson, Bret Jolly, Alun Jones, Bill Kauffman, Peter Kauffner, Rod Kessler, John Henry Kieschnick, Ronald Kimball, Bill Kinnersley, Jeremy Kirkwood, David Klaus, Matt Landau, Dave Learn, Mike Lee, John Lepor, William Lewis, Peter van der Linden, Larry Lippman, Rich Long, Roger Lustig, Mark Maimone, Ken Marks, Jay Marshall, Duke McMullan, Josh Mittleman, Razi Mohiuddin, William Moran, Peter Mroz, Phil OKunewick, Fraser Orr, Eric Osman, Colin Plumb, Tom Pohorsky, Jeff Popp, Josh Powers, Larry Prince, Jeffrey Putnam, Robert Rebbe, Harold Reynolds, Jeremy Ronsen, Rick Savoury, Marianne Sherman, Daniel Simon, Steve Simon, David Skoll, David Slater, Paul Smith, J. M. Spencer, Paul Stygar, Michael Takefman, David Tamkin, Steve Tanner, Paul Tomblin, Win Treese, Simon Trew, Tony Trewinnard, Franklin Tucker, Fred Ullom, Steve Vance, Rebekah Wantz, Neil Weinstock, Jim Weller, Brian Westley, Tom White, Matthew Wiener, Julia Wilkinson, Jessica Wilson, David Wright, and Andrew Young. Sorry if I missed anybody. If your name isn't here it may be because all your contributions duplicated earlier ones. It seems that there was a previous Usenet collection, a small part of which was preserved and mailed to me by Dani Zweig. If you have such a thing please let me know.) Some were contributed by participants in a local online conference at the University of Alberta (Walter Aiello, Christopher Dutchyn, Al Dunbar, Tom Hall, Layne Marshal, Cliff Morgan, Christopher Morrow, Gerald Oskoboiny, John Sell, Allen Supynuk, and Dan Wilson). Some were solicited from friends, relatives, and acquaintances (Riyad Abu-Laban, Andrew Bacon, David Bacon, John Patrick Day, Inge Israel, David Pierre Leibovitz, Alan Minue, Clifford Mol, Laura Pylypow, and Leonard Steele). Yet others are taken without permission from: A Cache of Clevernessea, by Antony Lake (New York: Hart, 1974); Word Games for Families who are Still Speaking to Each Other, by Ann and John Robson (Don Mills: Paperjacks, 1974); material reprinted from some Saturday Review articles in An Almanac of Words at Play, by Willard R. Espy (New York: Clarkson N. Potter, 1975) (these also appear in The Joy of Lex, by Gyles Brandreth (New York: Morrow, William, and Co, 1980)); The Complete Pun Book, by Art Moger (Secaucus: Citadel, 1979); The Oxford Guide to Word Games, by Tony Augarde (OUP, 1984); Get Thee to a Punnery, by Richard Lederer (Charleston: Wyrick, 1988); Watch Your Language! by Robert Gorrell (University of Nevada Press, 1994); The Cambridge Encyclopedia of the English Language, by David Crystal (CUP, 1995); the 25 Jan 1988 installment of the syndicated column "National Challenge", by J. Baxter Newgate, sent to me by Paula Moddell; from the 1 December 1993 Chronicle of Higher Education, posted by Ken Wilson, and a list found in a laundromat by Frank Reid. I only picked the ones that I personally thought were funny. If you have some good ones that I seem to have missed, please send me mail.

Mail to Mark Israel
I have heard the Wobble!

A -return to index

"I'm wearing my wedding ring", said Tom with abandon.

"I caught two hares", said Tom abrasively.

"The number of people not attending class today really bothers me", said the professor absent-mindedly.

"I like modern painting", said Tom abstractly.

"Now that's worth stealing", said Tom abstractly.

"This is the first step towards my thesis", said Tom abstractly.

"The executioner has received the tool he needs", said Tom with a heavy accent.

"Let's all play an A, a C#, and an E", cried the band with one accord.

"I got this ballpoint pen from a Yugoslav friend", said Tom acerbically.

"Aye, every inch!" said Lear achingly.

"This salad dressing has too much vinegar", said Tom acidly.

"All right -- we'll use a water solution", Tom acquiesced.

"I like fuzzy bunnies", gurgled Tom acutely.

"I've got another @#$%*! insect in my pants", said Tom adamantly.

"I insist on naming the first male insect", said Tom adamantly.

"I have those totals for you", Tom added.

"There's room for one more", Tom admitted.

"Here's another baseball glove", Tom admitted.

"Here's your allowance for the next two weeks", Tom advanced.

"Those hookers are putting notices in the personals", Tom advised.

"I could stand to lose 50% of my body weight", said Tom affably.

"The jelly is 50% set", Tom affirmed.

"My neurotic blood-sucking arachnid has put on weight", said Tom, his nervous tic showing again.

"By convention!" cussed Tom airily.

"Fire!" yelled Tom alarmingly.

"England is okay, except there seems to be at least one blood-sucking insect in every outhouse", said Tom aloofly.

"Everything Albert says is so obvious", said Tom altruistically.

"It's a unit of electric current", said Tom amply.

"Orgasms are overrated", said Tom anticlimactically.

"Why don't you have some fruit?", asked Tom with aplomb.

"We had trouble with the propulsion systems for those moon flights", said the NASA engineer apologetically.

"Here's the story of the Liberty Bell", Tom told us appealingly.

"My compliments to the company that makes the Macintosh computer", said Tom applaudingly.

"I'm of greater value to you every day", said Tom appreciatively.

"I'll take that", said Tom appropriately.

"2 bdrm furn w 5 appl", said Tom aptly.

"Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I sleep in a wigwam; Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends I sleep in a teepee", said Tom very attentively.

"I always eat at McDonald's", said Tom archly.

"It's an actual parameter, not a formal parameter", was Tom's argument.

"You have the right to remain silent", said Tom arrestingly.

"I'm a better shot than William Tell", said Tom arrowgantly.

"I've had it up to here with Post-Modern Expressionism", said the goat artfully.

"That painting makes me laugh", Tom articulated.

"My wife is going to have a test tube baby", Tom injected artificially.

"One of the ten finalists in the 'London derriere' contest had to drop out", said Tom asininely.

"What's wrong with sodomy?" Petr asked.

"It's not a candy mint, it's a breath mint", Tom asserted.

"I wrote the book on that subject", said Tom authoritatively.

"Don't give me the gears!" said Tom automatically.

"In the beginning voz...", averred the German preacher.

"She's mine", averred the Cockney chauvinist.

"I don't want to rewrite this in prose", said Tom aversely.

"What do ants and bees use for cattle?" asked Tom avidly.

"{sum += $2} END {print sum}", said Tom awkwardly.

"This way to the seabird exhibit", said Tom awkwardly.

B -return to index

"That city will never be rebuilt", the prophets babble on.

"That was a bon mot", said Tom backwardly.

"I'm going to get a hair transplant", said Tom baldly.

"This boat leaks", said Tom balefully.

"I'll get you out of prison in no time", said Tom balefully.

"!" said Tom while banging his head.

"Employees are not permitted to have sex on company furniture", Tom shouted, banging on the table.

"Those ballet students should be forced to do their exercises in the nude", said Tom barbarically.

"Boy, will I give you a haircut!" said Tom barbarously.

"Dorothy, if you're going to Oz again, I'm going with you", Em barked.

"I use the Bourne Again Shell", said Tom bashfully.

"I just swallowed a fishing lure", said Tom with baited breath.

"This is the most common language used on micros", said Tom basically.

"I'm going to lie in the sun", said Tom in Basque.

"Take me to the dance", Mary bawled.

"I just got a job putting up steel girders!" Tom beamed.

"Ouch! When I get stung, I want revenge", said Tom begrudgingly.

"I'm sure we can fool them into thinking this is pollen", said Tom beguilingly.

"This flower's empty", the drone said belatedly.

"I am not full of hot air", Tom belched.

"I'm being sent down to the minors", said Tom beleagueredly.

"Get out of here!" said Tom believingly.

"The fire's going out!" Tom bellowed.

"I'll show you my illustrated Irish new testament", said Tom bibliographically.

"Why shouldn't I stir my yoghurt with a ballpoint pen?" Tom bickered.

"These bit patterns will be more readable in groups of 8", said Tom bitingly.

"Well, I got here with five minutes to spare", said Tom bitterly.

"Rasputin and I are lovers", said Nicholas bizarrely.

" ", said Tom blankly.

"Those bullets can't hurt me", said Tom blankly.

"My giant sea creature died", Tom wailed blubberingly.

"I need a pencil sharpener", said Tom bluntly.

"I think I'll use a different font", said Tom boldly.

"My fellow Americans", boomed Ronald Reagan, "I have just signed legislation to outlaw the state of Russia for ever..."

"I still haven't struck oil", said Tom boringly.

"This is mutiny!" said Tom bountifully.

"My ancestor was a famous Confederate general who had an army fort named after him", Tom bragged.

"I ain't afraid of those white men", said Cochise bravely.

"Now no-one can detect my halitosis", said Tom breathlessly.

"There's a blood-sucking insect in my French cheese", said Tom briefly.

"Eating uranium can cause strange effects", said Tom brightly.

"Take tea and see", said Tom briskly.

"Use your own hair brush", Tom bristled.

"Get out of my hair", was Tom's brush-off.

"The stock market's going up", said Tom bullishly.

"That young insect is male", said Tom buoyantly.

"My pants are too tight", Tom burst out.

"We can't accommodate any more peripherals", said Tom bus-ily.

"You're busted!" said the policeman to Miss Parton.

C -return to index

"My wife is cheating on me", Tom cackled.

"Zoos are a necessary evil, I think", said Tom cagily.

"The pool player from USC had to drop out because the proper equipment didn't arrive on time", Tom calculated.

"So this is your new computer!" said Tom calculatingly.

"Rowing so much hurts my hands", said Tom callously.

"No, I haven't read Voltaire", said Tom candidly.

"I've grown fat on the contents of charity packages", said Tom carefully.

"Why do you bother? I for one couldn't....", said Tom carelessly.

"I like this drill", said Tom as he carie'd out the dental work.

"I don't work here on a regular basis", said Tom casually.

"That's price-fixing!" said Tom caustically.

"One can't dispute the fundamental importance of learning the alphabet", Abie ceded.

"I'm afraid you've had a stroke", said Tom cerebrally.

"The number after nine must be knighted", said Tom certainly.

"I admit to being amused by your long joke with the stupid punchline", said Tom, chagrined.

"I don't need the mantissa of the logarithm", said Tom characteristically.

"All ancient Chinese artifacts should be burned", said Tom charmingly.

"It's not polite to look directly at a man", Mary chastised.

"I'm having an affair with my gamekeeper", said the lady chattily.

"Hurray for our team!" said Tom cheerfully.

"I've run out of laundry detergent", said Tom cheerlessly.

"It's twelve noon", Tom chimed in.

"That gives me a birdie for this hole", Tom chipped in.

"You could try changing the layout of this microprocessor", Tom chipped in.

"I've got to stop this motor", Tom choked.

"The law says the building must go here", Tom cited.

"That's my gold mine!" Tom claimed.

"Another plate of steamers all around!" Tom clamoured.

"My family has a great future", said Tom clandestinely.

"Help me set fire to this cross", said Tom clannishly.

"I'm going back to school soon", said Tom with class.

"I was completely exonerated", said Tom clearly.

"In my next film I play the part of Sir Edmund Hillary", said Tom climactically.

"My job is to lead the audience's applause", Tom clucked.

"Pretend we were in the days before railways", Tom coached.

"Let's play golf", said Tom coarsely.

"Have another soft drink", Tom coaxed.

"It's a rooster!" clucked Tom cockily.

"We're philatelists", they shouted collectively.

"I'm a Soviet military official", Tom commiserated.

"I'm putting this microfiche back where it belongs", said Tom complacently.

"Okay, you can switch on the electric chair now", said Tom conceitedly.

"My frozen orange juice requires you to add six cans of water", said Tom with great concentration.

"This is a really strong drug", Tom concluded.

"The prisoner escaped by climbing down a rope", said Tom condescendingly.

"I organized that big party for the prisoners", Tom confessed.

"The prisoners set up a corporation", the warden confirmed.

"All right, I will allow the prisoners to wear perfume", the warden consented.

"We're currently thinking about a figure somewhere between 7 and 9", said Tom considerately.

"Now how can I trick Sidney?" Tom considered.

"Don't worry, I'll take full responsibility for providing the prisoner with getaway footwear", said Tom consolingly.

"Hey, what's it worth if I can help you to escape from prison?" asked Tom contemptuously.

"The escaped prisoner is camping out in the woods", said Tom contentedly.

"I favour self-restraint everywhere in North America", said Tom continently.

"All I ever do is milk this damn cow", Tom uttered continuously.

"I have writer's block", said Tom contritely.

"I'm writing a poem about the rebels in Nicaragua", said Tom controversially.

"I find you guilty!" said the judge with conviction.

"We've taken over the government", the general cooed.

"I feel like a Chinese labourer", said Tom coolly.

"I deal with things by abstaining", said Tom copacetically.

"The size of those cobs is a-maize-ing!" was Tom's corny joke.

"It's better to steal things together", Tom corroborated.

"We could use the Geiger-Muller method to check for radiation leaks", Tom countered.

"I manufacture those tabletops that separate store clerks from their customers", said Tom counterproductively.

"I hate climbing this winding staircase", said Tom coyly.

"I hate shellfish", said Tom crabbedly.

"Have some cheese", said Tom craftily.

"How do you start a model-T Ford without a battery?" asked Tom crankily.

"I love supercomputers!" giggled Tom crayzily.

"I have a theory about how certain North American Indians maintained their energy levels through the winter", said Tom creatively.

"I dropped the toothpaste", said Tom, crestfallen.

"Please, Christopher", said Tom crisply.

"This must be the high-voltage lead", said Tom crisply.

"I'm dying", Tom croaked.

"Argh! Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!" said Jesus crossly.

"I've spotted more blackbirds than you have", Tom crowed.

"@#$%*! I've struck oil", said Tom crudely.

"Now that's sloppy embroidery", Tom needled cruelly.

"I hate pies with crumb bases", said Tom crustily.

"This has been a grave undertaking", said Tom cryptically.

"I wonder why uranium is fluorescent", said Mary curiously.

"So that's where the next character is going to appear", said Tom after a cursory glance.

"This is as vile as the Threepenny Opera", said Tom curtly.

"I'm the butcher's helper", said Tom cuttingly.

"If the name 'St. Nicholas' for Santa Claus, and the name 'Old Nick' for the Devil, both derive from the Teutonic sea god Hold Nickar, what does that tell us about Santa Claus?" asked Tom cynically.

"Too bad I can't castle now!" said Tom in Czech.

D -return to index

"Down, Spot!" Tom commanded in Dalmatian.

"I'm too smart to believe in Jesus Christ", said Tom with damnable cleverness.

"That hydroelectric facility is so beautiful I think I'll pass out!" said Tom, fainting with dam praise.

"The eclipse is starting", said Tom darkly.

"I killed the Greek piper god", Tom deadpanned.

"I wonder if I'd have better luck if I fished with a net", Tom debated.

"How many dings you got in your door, there, Tom?" "Ten", Tom replied decadently.

"Let's play musical chairs", said Tom deceitfully.

"What's wrong with a few tea leaves?" asked Tom deceivingly.

"Let me clean out this poison tank", said Tom deceptively.

"Well, that tree definitely isn't a conifer", Tom decided.

"X is an integer", Tom declared.

"I'm not going to eat any more of those pastries", Tom de-eclaired.

"I've already given you the nominative, vocative, accusative, genitive, dative, and ablative, so I will say no more", Tom declined.

"I don't want a bottle that can exist only in hyperspace", Tom declined.

"Adherents of my religion don't all have to believe the same thing", Tom decreed.

"It's time to play my wild card", Tom deduced.

"Now I'll never dance", said Tom defeatedly.

"I have switched to metric", Tom expounded defeatedly.

"I have to attend my Ph.D. oral examination", said Tom defensively.

"Sure, I'll get rid of those jewels for you", said Tom defensively.

"I refuse to obey that French 'No Smoking' sign", fumed Tom defensively.

"Okay, you can have the gloves without lining", Tom deferred.

"I still think we should differentiate the magnetic flux", said Tom defiantly.

"I won't listen to you, Leonard!" said Tom def-t-Lee.

"You are going to fail my class", said the teacher degradingly.

"I have a B.A. in social work", said Tom with a degree of concern.

"I think all those feminists should be forced to work as housewives", said Tom deliberately.

"People who sell fancy foods should be careful with knives", said Tom delicately.

"Oh, goody! Another blackout!" said Tom delightedly.

"Welcome to the Annual Meatcutter's Convention!" delivered Tom.

"The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show", said Tom deludedly.

"Let's not invite any sadists", said Tom demeaningly.

"This is how to put an imp in a restraining jacket", Tom demonstrated.

"This, that, these, those, and such", said Tom demonstratively.

"Who stole the last chapter from my book of Fables?", asked Tom, demoralized.

"Wouldn't just gold and frankincense do?" the Magi demurred.

"I can't be drowning in African waters!" pleaded Tom, deep in denial.

"The world will not end tonight", Tom de-nighed.

"I have to insert this wooden spatula in your mouth", said Tom depressingly.

"Get off the horse", Tom derided Mary.

"No pilaf for me, please", said Tom derisively.
(Or: "Get off my lap", said Gary Hart derisively.)

"This is how he murdered the mystery writer", Tom described.

"Let me improvise this part", said Tom descriptively.

"I haven't put air in my fifth tire", said Tom despairingly.

"It's best to find a new word for this", Tom determined.

"I saw that man remove my ballot from the box", said Tom devotedly.

"My word is final!" Tom dictated to his secretary.

"Of course you graduated", said Tom diplomatically.

"I was removed from office", said Tom disappointedly.

"All I want is 20,000 machine guns", said the dictator disarmingly.

"There are no more I/O operations to do today", Tom disclosed.
(Or: "This slipped object is hard to find", the surgeon disclosed.)

"I'll not have you punk rockers making music in my auditorium", said Tom disconcertingly.

"Let me out of this embassy", said Tom disconsolately.

"Someone stole my computer terminal", said Tom disconsolately.

"I'm a frayed knot", said Tom discordantly.

"That's not really Dracula", Tom discounted.

"And dat bay is not green", Tom discovered.

"Dat is not duh @#$%*! way to do it", Tom discussed.

"That wizard did a bad job", said Tom disenchantedly.

"Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly.

"I have to wear this cast for another six weeks", said Tom disjointedly.

"I just got a sex change", said Tom, feeling rather disorganized.

"I just got kicked out of China!" said Tom, rather disoriented.

"Turn the record player down", said Tom disquietingly.

"That medium did a bad job", Tom said dispiritedly.

"Out, out, damned spot!" said Lady Macbeth distainfully. "Look what you did to the rug, you naughty dog!"

"Which rail switch was I supposed to hit?" asked Tom distractedly. "Quick! Hide all the religious pamphlets!" said Tom distractingly.

"I'm tearing my hair out over this problem", said Tom distressingly.

"I can guess that you're a holy man", Tom divined.

"Where did you get those delicious, fresh grapes?" Tom asked divinely.

"I need a Latin Bible suitable for reading under water", Tom divulged.

"I've got to reach Kenilworth tonight", said Tom, trotting doggedly onward.

"Female canines often scratch the parasites on the coats of their young", said Tom dogmatically.

"I'm on welfare", said Tom dolefully.

"I won't believe that you're the resurrected Jesus until I've felt the nail-holes in your wrists", said Tom doubtingly.

"I dropped my brace over the balcony", said Tom downcastly.

"This feather seems to improve the act", said Tom dramatically.

"I'm pretty good at basketball", said Tom, dribbling.

"I never go into saloons", said Tom drily. "I've seen too many of my friends enter them optimistically and leave them mistyoptically."

"Barman, three German beers", said Hans drily.

"All I ever do is work", Tom droned.

"I wonder what syllables I should sing these sixteenth notes to", said Ward Swingle dubiously.

"Look out for that bird!" cried Tom, ducking.

"Why would anyone want to start an Institute for the Mute?" asked Tom dumbfoundedly.

"That was a wonderful date", Tom said in Dutch.

"I'll pay off that customs official", said Tom dutifully.

"Why use SI units? The old c.g.s. units are my friends", said Tom dynamically.

E -return to index

"You've stowed his ashes commendably", was Tom's well-earned compliment.

"I am not a homosexual necrophiliac", said Tom in dead earnest.

"Now I can do some painting", said Tom easily.

"I hate Communism", Tom said economically.

"I've declared the variable X so that its value is saved from one procedure invocation to the next", said Tom ecstatically.

"Edward, you're my best friend in these parts, I gar-ron-tee!" said Tom ed-u-cajun-ally.

"What lake did Champlain discover?" asked Tom eerily.

"The enemy has taken stronghold F", said Tom effortlessly.

"Yes, I was in the chicken coop when it exploded", admitted Tom, with egg on his face.

"I'm coming!" Tom ejaculated.

"British English, of course", Di elected to say.

"This computer display is shocking", said Tom electrically.

"Vote for Reagan", said Tom electronically.

"|\/|", said Tom emphatically.

"Let's get married", said Tom engagingly (and dismissingly).

"I got a personal letter from Ann Landers", was Tom's epigraph.

"I just hung my sheets on the clothesline", said Tom erringly.

"I'm going after that red fish", said Tom erringly.

"Eureka!" said Archimedes to the skunk.

"I wouldn't marry you even if you were the only woman on earth!" said Tom evenly.

"Just what kind of show can this troupe 'The Humpty Dumpties' put on?" asked Tom exactingly.

"Now we remove the NH2 group", said Tom during the examination.

"I've changed my name to Al", said Hal, exasperated.

"I wrote that window system for MIT", Tom exclaimed.

"!" exclaimed Mark.

"I had to fire my first mate when she got too heavy for the boat", said Tom excruciatingly.

"Let's kill him", said the executive.

"I've just changed a dozen mufflers", said Tom, exhausted.

"Here, son, have a free balloon!" said Tom expansively.

"My mother's sister will be here any minute", said Tom expectauntly.

"Perhaps he's a former Palestinian commie?" explored Tom.

"But suppose X does exist after all", Tom expostulated.

"You must give me my alimony", expressed Tom's former wife, after which Tom almost expounded.

"These genes are dominant", said Tom expressively.

"I used to work for Kelly Services", Tom extemporized.

"I used to work for the railway company", said Tom extraneously.

"I used to command a battalion of German ants", said Tom exuberantly.

F -return to index

"I failed my electrocardiogram", said Tom faint-heartedly.

"That's a lie!" said Tom in falsetto.

"I am not on drugs!" said Tom in high falsetto.

"Please keep Ian on salary even if he does no work; banish not sweet Ian, kind Ian, true Ian, valiant Ian from thy company", was Tom's Falstaffian plea.

"I'm trying to get some air circulating up here just beneath the roof", said Tom fanatically.

"The transit system could reduce its deficit by steeply charging those passengers on their way to rock concerts and sports events", said Tom with considerable fanfare.

"The Soviet press is useful on hot days", said Tom fantastically.

"I'm 'drawing' the butter", Tom clarified fatuously.

"I don't want my cow to be artificially inseminated", was Tom's favourable response.

"Forward march! Eins, zwei, drei, funf, eins, zwei, drei, funf!" said the German commander fearlessly.

"You can use my stud for 100 dollars", was Tom's feeble offer.

"I'll go get the stick", said Tom fetchingly.

"I could always draw it on paper", Tom figured.

"I think I'll put new stuffing in that old settee", said Tom fill-a-sofa-cally.

"Albert, that illegal left turn is going to cost you twenty bucks", said the policeman finally.

"I plan to work for Digital", said Tom, giving me the finger.

"My spinal cord has been given notice", Tom fired back.

"I'm just not attracted to you", said Tom flaccidly.

"My jeans get wider at the bottom and have a logo on them", Tom boasted with a marked flare.

"You should *never* burn the Stars and Stripes!" cried Tom flagrantly.

"I fixed the toilet", announced Tom, flushed with success.

"This must be Nebraska", Tom stated flatly.

"Here's an epenthetic stamp", said Tom f'lat'ly.

"Ships ahoy!" said Tom fleetingly.

"I love trying to make insects fly", said Tom flippantly.

"You're losing your grippe!" said Tom fluently.

"I wouldn't mind running my fingers over those!" said Tom fondly.

"I pulled the wool over Ollie's eyes", said Tom foolhardedly.

"I don't know how much longer I'll need only three of my houses", said Tom forebodingly.

"I'm no good at golf. I know I'm going to hit another bad shot", Tom forewarned.

"Now all I have to do for this banknote is engrave the portrait", Tom forged ahead.

"I will not finish in fifth place", Tom held forth.

"I got the first three wrong", said Tom forthrightly.

"languages computer forget don't", said Tom forthwith.

" I do not have a multiple personality disorder", said Tom, trying to be frank.

"I'll have a hot dog", said Tom frankly.

"I can't play the guitar because my fingers are too big", said Tom fretfully.

"Dance in lane", said the sign frugally.

"Please pass me the oranges", was Tom's fruitless request.

G -return to index

"I don't believe in mixed marriages", said Tom gaily.

"Je suis francais", Tom had the gall to claim.

"That young insect is female", said Tom gallantly.

"I won't be on time for the Christmas party because some joker put glue on the bottoms of my shoes", Tom gesticulated.

"Oh, this house tastes good!" said Hansel and Gretel, gingerly.

"I was Fred Astair's partner", she boasted gingerly.

"These are my new sunglasses!" Tom glared.

"How do you like my new contacts?" asked Tom, glassy-eyed.

"Someone bumped into me while I was brushing my teeth", said Tom with a gleam in his eye.

"Help, I'm drowning!" was Tom's glib, glib, glib chortle.

"Please don't let me fall apart", pleaded Tom gloomily.

"Eating uranium makes me feel funny", said Tom glowingly.

"For the meal we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful", said Tom gracefully.

"Oh my goodness!" said Tom graciously.

"I don't have to stand upright", said Tom grandly.

"My dime rolled into the sewer", cried Tom gratefully.

"Where's the cheese?" asked Tom gratingly.

"I'll try to dig up a couple of friends", said Tom gravely.

"Let's invite Greg and Gary", said Tom gregariously.

"I collect fairy tales", said Tom grimly.

"I've got sand in my food", said Tom grittily.

"I can eat one hundred and forty-four", Tom boasted grossly.

"Bad marksmanship", the hunter groused.

"I am so one of the seven dwarfs!" he said grumpily.

"Mash that avacado and add some seasoning", said Tom guacamole.

"I know how to communicate sequential processes", said the whore guardedly.

"I must be on a visit", Tom guessed.

"I don't have a boyfriend", said Mary guilelessly.

"It's just gold leaf", said Tom guiltily.

"And to think I swallowed that lie, hook, line and sinker!" Tom gulped.

"I've been having an incontinence problem", Tom gushed.

"That may cause my violin strings to snap", was Tom's gut reaction.

H -return to index

"The pH of this solution is just 3.5", said Tom half-assedly.

"Argh, I've just been stabbed!" said Tom half-heartedly.

"Looks uncomputable to me", said Tom haltingly.

"Mr. Rockefeller did not bring his wife", said Tom haplessly.

"Don't rest on your laurels", said Tom hardily.

"I think there's a hole in the road ahead", Tom hazarded.

"Oh, stop talking about the Dreyfus case. Don't you like the colour of my eyes?" asked Esther hazily.

"Theodore, you will soon be promoted from editor to editor-in-chief", said the cannibal heatTedly.

"I've gained thirty pounds", said Tom heavily.

"These boxing gloves are too big", said Tom heavy-handedly.

"It's my maid's night off", said Tom helplessly.

"I am not on drugs", said Tom in a high falsetto.

"May I leave the room?" asked the schoolboy, high-handedly.

"I climbed Mount Everest", said Tom hilariously.

"I'm no communist", Alger hissed.

"Nay!" Tom bridled hoarsely.

"I feel empty inside", Tom hollered.

"Troops, I guess there won't be a Christmas show this year", said Tom hopelessly.

"It's Jack the Ripper!" said Tom horrendously.

"Have a ride in my new ambulance", said Tom hospitably.

"These pants are not short enough", said Mary hotly.

"The doctors had to remove a bone from my arm", said Tom humorlessly.

"I just ate that Eskimo's dog", barked Tom in a husky voice.

"I cut off the bottoms of my trousers so they wouldn't drag in the mud", said Tom hygienically.

"Hey, like, sailing the seven seas is really far out, man", said Tom hypnotically.

"Boy, that's an ugly hippopotamus!" said Tom hypocritically.

"We need a 10-gauge needle", Tom hypothesized.

"Doctor, why do you have to remove my womb?" asked Mary hysterically.

I -return to index

"Shall I frost the cake?" Tom offered icily.

"Pass the cards", said Tom ideally.

"It's a pity that Amin managed to escape from Uganda when his ship of state went under", said Tom idiosyncratically.

"When exactly did Julius Caesar die?" wondered Tom idly.

"Let's trap that sick bird", said Tom illegally.

"Alas, I am sick with love for the fair Igraine!" said Uther Pendragon illustriously (and achingly).

"I can split demons in two", Tom imparted.

"This chicken has no beak", said Tom impeccably.

"I run a fairground attraction called 'See a real demon for only one cent!'" said Tom impenitently.

"Promote that demon to the House of Lords", commanded Tom imperiously.

"I brush my teeth every five minutes", said Tom implacably.

"There's nothing wrong with demons", was Tom's implicit message.

"Gremlins must have done it!" Tom implied.

"Tell me folk stories about leprechauns", Tom implored.

"Close the hatch! We're being invaded by bugs!" said Tom importantly.

"I don't think I can keep this up", Tom announced impotently.

"Demons can be robbed", said Tom improbably.

"Boy, am I impressed!" said Tom as he joined the British Navy.

"I keep picking up radio signals from outer space", said Tom impulsively.

"I'm taking over this hotel", said Tom inappropriately.

"Things are always happening to me", said Tom incidentally.

"The laser is broken", said Tom incoherently.

"I come to this hotel year after year for the science fiction convention", said Tom inconsequentially.

"Why you parasitic insect, our debts now exceed our assets!" said Tom incredulously.

"I'm not sure how I feel about that particular matrix operation", said Tom indeterminately.

"I sent Kathleen on a mission to the Antilles", Tom indicated.

"Use phenolphthalein", Tom indicated.

"I learned a lot about women while I was in Paris", said Tom indifferently.

"There's safety in unexciting gentlemen", said Mary indulgently.

"And I couldn't get any tickets for Lloyd-Webber's epic Argentina musical", Tom continued inevitably.

"I am unable to compute the Not-Equivalence function", Tom complained inexorably.

"I like measles!" laughed Tom infectiously.

"She must be wearing mink", Tom inferred.

"She wore a smoke-coloured dress at dinner", said Tom ingratiatingly.

"Have it monogrammed", was Tom's initial suggestion.

"I hope you're not afraid of needles", Tom injected.

"May I join your group and sing, too?" Tom inquired.

"I'm easily moved to anger", said Tom insensibly.

"You're a wicked glutton", Tom insinuated.

"I'm not leaving the chapel until I finish this painting", Michelangelo insisted.

"What a magnificent view from the steeple!" said Tom, inspired.

"Let's have a crimson display -- and turn up the brightness", said Tom with passionate intensity.

"What I do best on a camping trip is sleep", said Tom intently.

"Will we ever get out of this airport?" asked Tom interminably.

"This is not a black-and-white issue", Tom intoned.

"Cheryl, you stand between Ella and Pauline", interposed the photographer.

"I've got to find out why my broker got fired", said Tom as he investigated.

"Nothing is indelible", said Tom irascibly.

"Your drip-dries are crumpled", said the laundress ironically.

"I'm a Reagan-watcher", said Tom ironically.

"There is no end to this sequence of digits", said Tom irrationally.

J -return to index

"My Chinese necklace has been stolen", said Mary jadedly.

"Alouette, je te plumerai", sang Tom jauntily.

"I always stammer just before July", was Tom's jejune explanation.

"This meat is hard to chew", Tom beefed jerkily.

"Your meat, madam!" announced the two butcher boys jointly.

"We didn't inhale", announced Bill and Hillary jointly.

"I plan to start a cattle ranch in a space station orbiting Jupiter", said Tom joveally.

"The insect in William's hand is wearing a yarmulka!" said Tom jubilantly.

"Let's eat kosher tonight", said Tom judiciously.

"After the trial I sold a dozen pieces of the rock", said the insurance salesman jurisprudently.

"I like ragged margins", said Tom without justification.

"Why do they burn aromatic substances at these tournaments?" asked Tom, justly incensed.

K -return to index

"It's a bad hobbit", said Tom, not at all keenly.

"I want to hear my baby bleat", Mary kidded.

"This will get me into the royal bedroom", said Tom kinkily.

"When I'm worried, I feel an overwhelming urge to cry 'Eep!'" said Tom, knee-deep in trouble.

"I've run out of wool", said Tom, knitting his brow.

"Necessity is no excuse", was Tom's knock-knee'd opinion.

"I tend to use infinitives rather than gerunds", said Tom knowingly.

"Of course I'm aware ostriches can't fly!" chirped Tom knowingly.

"Flying saucers use antigravity to stay up", said Tom knowingly.

L -return to index

"I've forgotten that song Dr. Chandra taught me", said HAL lackadaisically.

"No ellipses, no parabolas, and no hyperbolas", said Tom laconically.

"I bought these peanuts in Los Angeles", said Tom lagubriously.

"I think I've lost my leg, sir", reported Uxbridge lamely. "By God, so you have!" replied Wellington generally.

"Why don't you sit here?" Tom suggested in Lapp.

"I've made a study of girls", said Tom lassitudinously.

"She even flies her own jet", Tom leered.

"It's a German song", Tom lied.

"This bud's for you", said Tom lightly.

"I think it's time I had a perm", said Tom liltingly.

"Please save the branches of our trees", said Tom limply.

"I like writing artificially intelligent programs", Tom lisped.

"Gentlemen: Please send me your catalogue", wrote Tom, listlessly.

"I want to be carried in a covered couch", said Tom literally.

"Is it true that some animals will eat their own babies?" asked Tom literately.

"How 'bout a toss in the hay?" asked Tom loftily.

"No, you have to do it again", reiterated Tom loopily.

"What's the score in the Stevie Wonder - Ray Charles tennis game?" asked Tom lovingly.

"I always pray to St. Ignatius", said Tom loyally.

"I chop down trees for a living", said Tom lumberingly.

M -return to index

"The dam is back to front", said the builder madly.

"Of course I can make armour out of chains", Tom replied by mail.

"It's usually just food poisoning", said Tom mainly.

"I have to fix all the bugs, and add some new features", Tom maintained.

"The British royal motto is Honi soit qui, qui -- no, it's Dieu et mon, er -- oh, I forget", said Tom maladroitly.

"I hope my mother gets hit by a steamroller", said Tom malevolently.

"I command a private army", said Tom maliciously.

"Let's go and fly around the street lights, children", said the mammoth.

"I don't want a second helping, thank you", said the cannibal manfully.

"Marmalade", said the newly hatched chicken.

"You're next, Mistress Ballantrae", said the cannibal masterfully.

"Welcome!" said the matador.

"These substances can be put into four piles: compounds, elements, molecules, and atoms. And I've proved it", said Tom matter-of-factly. "Add up this list of n numbers and then divide the sum by n", said Tom meanly.

"According to this sonograph, the average frequency of my speaking voice is 160 Hz", said Tom in measured tones.

"I've got to fix the car", said Tom mechanically.

"You won the bronze", said Tom meddlingly.

"My dog will only eat cantaloupes", was Tom's melancholy complaint.

"To be or not to be", said Tom mellifluously.

"I'm a lesbian", Mary mentioned.

"A thousand thanks, Monsieur", said Tom mercifully.

"You and Patricia deserve each other", said Tom meretriciously.

"I dislike arguments because I hurt my hand banging my fist on the table", complained Tom meta-carpally.

"You don't have to introduce us", said Tom metaphorically.

"I've done more than talk to her on the phone", said Tom metaphysically.

"I'll cut you to ribbons!" said Tom mincingly.

"Blimey, I can't find anything to eat to-dye", said the Cockney bear misbehivingly.

A reporter asked Winston Churchill, "What do you think of the prediction that by the year 2000, women will rule the world?"
"Hmmm, they still will, eh?" replied Churchill misdirectedly.

"Have you anything by Hugo?" asked Les miserably.

"She's already married", said Tom mistakenly.

"I'm tired of smiling", moaned Lisa.

"This ain't real turtle soup!" said Tom mockingly.

"Yes, I wrote 'Pictures at an Exhibition', but only the piano version", said the composer modestly.

"I have a patent cure for 'the kissing disease'", said Tom monotonically.

"My favourite opera composer is that Italian-American, Gian Carlo", said Tom monotonously.

"$400. Do I hear $500?" asked the auctioneer morbidly.

"What we need is more people like Ronald Reagan and Ronald McDonald", said Tom moronically.

"We need to follow these ten rules forever!" said Tom, mosaically.

"Dawn came too soon", Tom mourned.

"The symphony's finale is marked 'Presto'", said Tom with a quick movement.

"Look! There's a male cow with some chrysanthemums on it!" Tom mumbled.

"I've got a new game", mumbled Peg.

"My glands are swollen", said Tom mumpishly.

"I'm having a minor coronary attack", Tom murmurred.

"Maybe it's in the stables", Tom mused.

"That dog's a mongrel", Tom muttered.

"Ouch! I pinched my cheek trying to put on this earring", said Mary mysteriously.

N -return to index

"I told you not to ride that horse", Tom nagged.

"Why are you lying down so close to me?" asked Adam naively.

"What would be a good name for a girl born on Christmas Day?" asked Tom, adjusting his tie nattily.

"You're a real zero", said Tom naughtily.

"Boy, am I feeling blue!" said Tom as he joined the British navy.

"The monster in the lake has eaten my cake", said Tom necessarily.

"Someone stole my electrolytic capacitor!" Tom charged negatively.

"I got a snapshot of the CBS anchorman, but I haven't developed it yet", said Tom, rather negatively.

"Honey, put on that see-through thing", said Tom negligently.

"I got five cavities since my last dentist's visit", said Tom neurotically.

"I newt!" said the salamander.

"I'm going to travel to the south of France", said Tom nicely.

"Perhaps I'll attend the film festival", he added cannily.

"Flames to /dev/null, please", directed Tom nihilistically.

"Yes, I am falling asleep", said Tom, nodding.

"I was in a riot in Paris", Tom noised abroad.

"You could always sound-proof your apartment", Tom allowed noisily.

"No, I'm sure I didn't borrow any tea", Tom remarked nonchalently.

"The proof of the pudding is in the eating", said Tom nonjudgementally.

"That just doesn't add up", said Tom, nonplussed.

"I don't see Edward", Tom noted.

"The performance was equal to the music", said Tom noteworthily.

"I haven't a notion", said Poseidon when the sea dried up.

O -return to index

"But I don't know C++", Tom objected.

"This Neanderthal needs something to eat", Tom observed.

"What's a wide-angle lens?" asked Tom obtusely.

"That horse looks like a good bet at 75 to 3", said Tom oddly.

"Oops! There goes my hat!" said Tom off the top of his head.

"A prostitute says 'Aren't you finished yet?', a nymphomaniac says 'Is that all?', and a wife says 'Beige... we should definitely paint the ceiling beige'", was Tom's off-colour joke.

"I was caught stealing in Iran", said Tom offhandedly.

"Why shouldn't I talk to birds?" asked Tom as he ogled.

"I know which boyd gets the woym", said Tom in an oily voice.

"The door's ajar", said Tom openly.

"Payment is due for the soft wood", Tom opined.

"My glasses are fogged up", said Tom optimistically.

"That bull has real stage presence", said Tom oratorically.

"I lost the debate because I ran out of things to say", said Tom outspokenly.

"I have too many children", said Mary overbearingly.

"The grizzly is climbing the tree beneath me!" said Tom overbearingly.

"Personally, I find masturbation to be very pleasurable", said Tom, holding his own in the conversation.

P -return to index

"All right, who hurled the ball through my window?" asked Tom painfully.

"Do not pound nails into glass", said Tom painstakingly.

"I killed and cremated the Greek piper god", said Tom with panache.

"I accidentally cut the Greek piper god while shaving him", Tom panicked.

"I'm a tailor", Tom panted.

"Now patients can get a second opinion without leaving the office", said Tom paradoxically.

"My chute weighs only two kilograms", said Tom parametrically.

"I'm having trouble keeping my balance", said Tom parenthetically.

"I'm doing a syntactic analysis of low, long-drawn sounds indicating discomfort", said Tom parsimoniously.

"I'm such a good marksman that you can throw away your hairbrush", was Tom's parting shot.

"Y'all I'm leavin'", said Dolly, partin'.

"There, there", was Tom's pat answer.

"I never get lost", said the pathologist.

"I've got all the work I can handle", said the doctor patiently.

"You have to support the right party to get ahead", said the politician patronizingly.

"Feet excite me", said the pedagogue.

"I didn't look at all!" Tom peeped.

"Vere ist ze bathroom?" asked Hans peevishly.

"You're wearing a diaphragm", was Tom's penetrating observation.

"What's the best time to plant peonies?" was Tom's perennial question.

"Now where did I put that magazine?" Tom asked periodically.

"It's a bloody mess", said Mary periodically.

"I'll brew some more coffee", said Tom perkily.

"Daddy, could I please have an ant farm for Christmas?" asked Tom petulantly.

"I wonder what's causing this rasp in my voice", said Tom phlegmatically.

"I'm just sittin' on a dock of the bay....", Tom sang piercingly.

"No, no, the transplant operation was a great success", Tom insisted pig-headedly.

"I brought the dessert", said Tom piously.

"|" Tom piped.

"Why don't we run some conduit upstairs?", Tom piped up.

"Eating uranium can cause atomic ache", said Tom with a high-pitched voice. (Uranium is found in pitchblende, for those of you who find the antecedent a little obscure.)

"I've just been lulled by the sound of the world's greatest tenor", said Tom placidly.

"Sailing on this lake is easy", said Tom plainly.

"I'm going to sue my real estate agent for not warning me the prairies were so flat", said Tom plaintively.

"It's a gift from an Oriental friend", said Tom pleasantly.

"I practised three hours on my guitar", said Tom pluckily.

"Nevermore will I read 'The Raven'", said Tom poetically.

"It has zero height, zero width, and -- well, maybe I'll allow it to have a bit of depth", said Tom, stretching the point.

"Argh, I've just been stabbed with an ice pick", said Tom pointedly.

"The exit is right there", Tom pointed out.

"My pencil is dull", said Tom pointlessly.

"Ah, what could be better than sitting by my miniature lake and listening to the wind blow through the tree leaves?" asked Tom ponderously.

"Ack, there's no cola!" was the cry which popped out of Tom.

"To be a model or not to be", was the question Mary posed.

"Zzzz", said Tom possessively.

"I wanted more than a 2×4 in the wet dirt", said Tom posthumously.

"Of course I can do the rising trot", was Tom's posted reply.

"That religious person couldn't have been on time", Tom postulated. (The pun is on "postulant".)

"I hope this is enough to feed my family", prayed the wolf.

"I haven't had any tooth decay yet", said Tom precariously.

"Multiplication before addition", said Tom, citing precedents.

"Looks like rain", said Tom precipitously.

"Since in this statement 'Y = COSH(X)', X is invariant, let's pre-compute Y before we enter the loop", said Tom precociously.

"Oh dear, I forgot to take my pill", said Mary pregnantly.

"There's no need to perfume this after purchase", said Tom during his presentation.

"That's all been taken care of", Tom pretended.

"It's 9:59", said Tom pretentiously.

"How about a quick one before the Indy 500?" Tom prezoomed to ask.

"I know what a bunch of lions is called", said Tom with pride.

"I've been demoted from corporal", said Tom privately.

"Crosby is my favourite singer. Is he yours?" asked Tom probingly.

"The roof is leaking again", said Tom problematically.

"I teach at a university", Tom professed.

"Ah, here's the silver lining!" said Tom profoundly.

"These @#$%*! circuit breakers!" swore Tom profusely.

"This movie will be very popular", Tom projected.

"This is the real male goose", said Tom as he produced the propaganda.

"I'll take Mary to the dance", Tom promised.

"I support mechanization", said the promoter.

"23% " replied Tom promptly.

"Stand over there so I can take your picture", proposed Tom to the hooker.

"Why shouldn't there be a special case for addressing people?" asked Tom provocatively.

"I love hockey", said Tom puckishly.

"Oh boy, I'm head of the refreshment committee!" said Tom, pleased as punch.

Q -return to index

"I'm just a self-taught doctor", Tom quacked.

"I have to sing a run of eighth-notes", said Tom quaveringly.

"Hi sailor, new in town?" Tom queried.

"I had to hide my acorns", said Chris querulously.

"Why would anyone want to play a role-playing game?" Tom questioned.

"That quadruplet doesn't seem to get along with his brothers and sister", said Tom quibblingly.

"Be careful with that silver stuff. It's mercury!" said Tom quickly.

"You really ought to study classical rhetoric", said Tom a quintillion times.

"This is the fastest way to get drunk", said Tom quixotically.

R -return to index

"A dog bit me", said Tom rabidly.

"Eating uranium makes me feel funny", said Tom radiantly.

"The train's late", Tom railed.

"I'm the world's most aggressive matador", Tom rambled.

"I collided with my bed!" said Tom rambunctiously.

"We publish one of the few dictionaries that define 'Tom Swifty'", said Tom at random.

"This river is rough", said Tom rapidly.

"I'm going to use the ejector seat", Tom explained rapidly.

"I can't stand strawberries", said Tom rashly.

"File a little more off that corner", said Tom raspingly.

"It's the quotient of two integers", said Tom rationally.

"You snake!" Tom rattled.

"I love eating crow", said Tom ravenously.

"I picked more berries than you did", Tom razzed.

"I'm reading about communism", said Tom readily.

"This value has to be converted to floating point", Tom realized.

"I won't play the carillon again!" chimed Tom rebelliously.

"Why do I have to strip naked again?" asked Tom rebuffingly.

"I've thought of another exception", Tom rebutted.
(Or: "Stop trying to get my goat", Tom rebutted.
Or: "This cigarette just won't go out", Tom rebutted.)

"Those cars we shipped have a defective part", Tom recalled.

"Let's go for another gallop", Tom recanted.

"There it is again!" Tom recited.

"I haven't had an accident in ten years", said Tom recklessly.

"I had to change the harmonization", Tom recorded.

"I couldn't believe there were exactly 100 people there", Tom recounted.

Tom said recursively, "Tom said recursively, 'Tom said recursively, ...'"

"Let me think again", said Tom redeemingly.

"Nice mirror!" said Tom reflectively.

"I will not splurge on a circuit-breaker", Tom refused.

"Hand me my guitar", commanded Rod regally.

"It's time for the second funeral", Tom rehearsed.

"I've said it once, and I'll say it again: you're one of the best tag players I've ever met", Tom reiterated.

"My next novel will be the greatest thing since Finnegans Wake", Tom rejoiced.

"It fell apart in my hands", Tom rejoined.

"Okay, you can borrow it again", Tom relented.

"I'm not going to give up anything this year. The year before last was quite enough", said Tom relentlessly.

"They're going to sue us again", said a reliable source.

"I love hot dogs", said Tom with relish.

"That is remarkable", remarked Tom.

"This student appealed his grade, so I have to score his exam again", Tom remarked.

"I'm in the process of documenting my BASIC program", Tom remarked.

"I'm investing in German currency once again", Tom remarked.

"I'm rereading the second Gospel", Tom remarked.

"To write the full history of St. Joan would take lots of paper", Tom ream-Arc'd.

"I had a dream last night about the American Red Cross", Tom REM-ARC'd.

"When 're-inventing the wheel', one must make sure that the outer edge is circular", Tom rim-arc'd.

"Boy, what a boring voyage! Good thing that I thought to take some sea-worthy liquor aboard", Noah rum-Ark'd.

"I meant to pay this year's dues", Tom remembered.

"Hey, castration is reversible", Tom remembered.

"I've gone back to using my maiden name", said Mary remissly.

"I'd better repeat that SOS signal -- no-one seems to have heard us", said Tom remorsefully.

"There's something in my eye again", Tom said remotely.

"Pete! Pete! Pete! Pete! Pete!" Tom repeated.

"My garden needs another layer of mulch", Tom repeated.

"We need more bread for the donairs", Tom repeated.

"I'll try selling them at the next house", Tom replied.

"I'm taking this ship back in to the dock", Tom reported.

"We're all out of Amontillado", Tom reported.

"I think I'll stand on the left side of the ship", Tom reported.

"Now we'll have to replace all the ship's windows", Tom reported.

"Must I show again why this theorem is true?" asked Tom reprovingly.

"How long will I have to wait for a table?" asked Tom without reservation.

"A fault!" Martina cried reservedly.

"My new signature is no better than my old one", said Tom resignedly.

"I'm gonna go live in the Canadian arctic", said Tom resolutely.

"Do I hear an echo?" was Tom's resounding question.

"I shall read the commands from that file again", said Tom resourcefully.

"What would you say if the Conservatives were re-elected?" asked Tom re-tory-cally.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn", said Clark Gable rhetorically.

"My experiment was a success", the chemist retorted.

"Now I won't sell you this land", Tom retracted.

"Now tell me about that big key on the right", Tom returned.

"I'll have another piece of meat", Tom revealed.

"The French expression for 'There's a green worm in my glass' is Il y a un ver vert dans mon verre", said Tom reverently.

"And this is the way you get a sheep excited", Tom reviewed.

"What do you mean, the canonical list isn't there? I just put it up again!", Mark riposted.

"My basic repertoire is small", said Tom riskily.

"What ample bosoms those chorus girls have!" remarked Tom robustly.

"When in Rome, do all the naughty things the Romans do", said Mary romantically.

"Find the truffles! Find the truffles!" rooted Tom.

"Let's take the traffic circle", said Tom, in a roundabout way.

"It's none of your @#$%*! business if I'm obese", swore Tom roundly.

"These Paris streets sure have funny names", said Tom ruefully.

"You must draw the line somewhere", Tom ruled.

"What do fools do where angels fear to tread?" Tom asked in Russian.

"I guess she fell off the motorcycle", said Tom ruthlessly.

"What this team needs is a player who can hit 60 homers a year", said Tom ruthlessly.

S -return to index

"Sure I've used the Unix stream editor", said Tom.

"Swifties and palindromes don't mix", said Eve Dias.

"I hate bloody French", Tom sang.

"I appleciate your lecommendation to take the Titanic", said Ichiro sankfully.

"You resemble a goat", said Tom satirically.

"The seesaw is upside down", said Tom saucily.

"Let's orgy all night!" said Tom scintillatingly.

"I stole some eggs; how would you like them?" asked the poacher as he scrambled away.

"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla", I screamed.

"Stop!!!" Tom screeched.

"So only one person arrived at your party before I did?" Tom second-guessed.

"I can't tell you anything about my salivary glands", said Tom secretively.

"I'm going out with a mermaid tonight", said Tom sedately.

"Look what I can do with this eraser!" said Mickey Mouse self- effacingly.

"I was in my kayak, practising my eskimo roll", said Tom self-righteously.

"Of course I still masturbate", said Tom with a look of self- satisfaction.

"Of course I can be seen, heard, and smelt", said Tom sensibly.

"Boy, that's a bright star", said Tom seriously.

"We're not in tune. Are you sure you aren't singing flat?" asked Tom sharply.

"Can we get on with the operation?", the surgeon cut in sharply.

"I've been a baaaaaad boy", bleated Tom sheepishly.

"No, you can't have any of my oysters", said Tom shellfishly.

"How do you like my petticoat?" asked Mary shiftlessly.

"Whose dog did I trip over?" asked Tom, shitfaced.

"I think I'll end it all", Sue sighed.

"Since the leftmost bit of a normalized mantissa is always 1, let's just omit it", said Tom significantly.

"My mother was unmarried and brought me up all by herself", said Tom single-mindedly.

"I've had a hemisphererectomy", said Tom single-mindedly.

"All these years prospecting, and all I have to show for it is the deed to this hole in the ground under my outhouse that otherwise ain't worth nuthin'", said Tom single mine diddly squat.

"I just shoplifted from a major department store", said Tom sincerely.

"I just bought my daughter some new clothes", said Tom, skirting the issue.

"I just can't use Ethernet too often", said Tom sleepily.

"Listen to my Stallone impression", said Tom slyly.

"I'll use my camera if I want to", Tom snapped.

"I refuse to eat calcium", Tom snapped.

"This brush isn't helping my hair one bit", Tom snarled.

"Angel dust? Me? Never touch it!" Tom snorted.

"There's a term for people like you", Tom sobbed.

"Yes, I'm that strongly built", said Tom soberly.

"My bicycle wheel is melting", Tom spoke softly.

"I think you should each take half of the child", said Tom solemnly.

"No, I have not had enough!" said Tom solicitously.

"Some day, people will be able to file lawsuits against computers", said Tom soothingly.

"Jokes that bad are best handled with four feet of cold steel", said Tom sordidly.

"South Korea has a lovely capital city", said Tom soulfully.

"I am so singing in tune", Tom sounded off.

"Okay, sho I drank too much", said Tom, sotto voce.

"Hah! I got that ten pin down!" said Tom sparingly.

"Hah! I've got that animal pegged!" Tom specified.

"The optician probably doesn't have my glasses ready", Tom speculated.

"Giddy-up horsie!" (spuriously attributed to Tom)

"Hey, you're standing on my foot!" said Tom standoffishly.

"It's a tough step to take", said Tom with a hard stare.

"I'll never understand quantum mechanics", Tom sighed starrily.

"Well, monaural and quadriphonic systems are the exception", said Tom stereotypically.

"Get to the back of the boat", said Tom sternly.

"Don't touch that violin", said Isaac sternly.

"I spilt the syrup", said Tom stickily.

"I slept in a draft last night", said Tom stiffly.

"Ah, now I can see through the window", said Tom stiltedly.

"Nobody is better at elaborate confidence games than I", said Tom stinkingly.

"Oops, I think I might have a piece of coal in my shorts", said Tom stochastically. (Think about it. It's really funny!)

"Consult an investment broker", was Tom's stock answer.

"Place all your Tom Swifties here", said Tom stoically.

"This is an imitation diamond", said Tom stonily.

"Can you hear me through this sieve?" was Tom's strained query.

"I'm not fat!" denied Tom stoutly.

"Let's walk", said Tom stridently.

"I feel like attacking a monarch", said Tom strikingly.

"I don't believe in the Heimlich manoeuvre", Tom struck back.

"That Amazon queen wanted me for only one thing", said Tom studiously.

"This isn't a lemon tree above us", Tom said sublimely.

"What should I do about this P.S.?" asked Tom submissively.

"Would you like some chocolate-covered insects on your long bun?" asked the waiter subserviently.

"There's no hope we'll get any dope when the captain looks up the periscope", said Tom subversively.

"Your septic tank is all pumped out now, ma'am", said Tom successfully.

"I'll have to use a plumber's helper", said Tom succintly.

"Let's play a joke on the Sun Users Group", Tom suggested.

"I decided to sing something more appropriate for August than Die Winterreise", Tom summarized.

"Boy, what a super silly ass!" said Tom superciliously.

"That's a very large shark", said Tom superficially.

"Look at me, ma! I'm on top of the world -- well, chimney, anyway", said Tom superfluously.

"The value of my waterfront property would increase if the U.S. and Canadian governments could agree to de-pollute the lake", said Tom in a superior manor.

"They'll want a picture of me at the dinner table", Tom supposed.

"That penny pincher always wants to be addressed in a formal manner", Tom surmised.

"One lump or two?" asked Mary sweetly.

"Yes, I've read Gulliver's Travels", replied Tom swiftly.

"I can be self-referential if I want to", said Tom swiftly.

"O.K., O.K., I'll give you my autograph; but only if you stop touching me like that", said Tom sycophantically.

"I love percussion instruments", said Tom symbolically.

"Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart", say the synoptic Gospels.

"I studied law to learn ways to avoid getting caught", said Tom syntactically.

"For the umpteenth time, pass the sauce for the pancakes!" said Tom syrupetitiously.

T -return to index

"Please don't sneeze with your mouth full", said the carpenter's assistant tactfully.

"Why do they call him Old Yellowtooth?" Tom wondered in Tartar.

"I don't have to do this for a living", said Mary tartly. "It's a business to do pleasure with you."

"I'm afraid this level of the theater is full", said the usher tearfully.

"I work at a bank", said Tom tellingly.

"Sometimes I prefer 'just intonation'; sometimes I prefer Pythagorean tuning", said Tom temperamentally.

"My bid for this contract aims to please", said Tom tenderly.

"Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I think I'm a wigwam; Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends I think I'm a teepee", said Tom too tensely.

"I flunked this lousy exam", said Tom testily.

"This means sudden death", the coach warned in Thai.

"Look at that monster's sandals!" said Tom in a thing-thong voice.

"I have no idea", said Tom thoughtlessly.

"It's cold, Timothy", said Tom with his distinctive timbre.

"I only get Newsweek", said Tom timelessly.

"You should be peeling onions", was Tom's tirade. (Pronounce "tirade" with the "i" short.)

"I can't find the spare", said Tom tirelessly.

"Take your hand from my blouse!" Mary tittered.

"It's $3 to cross the bridge, sir", Tom told him.

"Why are you writing elegies at this hour? You should be in bed, young lady", the curfew told Nell.

"I wonder what sex that cat is", said Tom.

"I've never heard of anilingus", said Tom, tongue in cheek.

"How do you like this negligee?" asked Mary transparently.

"O.K., Mom, I'm going to hypnotize you now", said Tom transparently.

"This dugout is infested", said Tom trenchantly.

"I know what to do with stale cake", said Tom triflingly.
(Or: "I'm testing this boomerang", said Tom triflingly.)

"I punched him in the stomach three times", said Tom triumphantly.

"I've brought back the lorry I borrowed", said Tom truculently.

"I really want to see Jurrasic Park", Tom said tyrannically.

"Why are so many of these Tom Swifties about insects?" asked the tyrant.

U -return to index

"Sounds like a shady deal to me", Tom warned in Umbrian.

"The bank doesn't even want me as a depositor", said Tom unaccountably.

"Let me see if I can prove that", said Tom unassumingly.

"Get Smokie out of here!" said the warden unbearably.
(Or is it: "There'll be no strippers in my town", said the sheriff unbareably?)

"Alas, I am inconsolable!" said Tom uncomfortably.

"Have some shampoo", was Tom's unconditional offer.

"I know you won't take my advice, Mr Van Gogh, but after cutting your ear off, I think you should go to jail", said Tom unconvincingly; "-- or perhaps sign yourself in to a home", he added noncommittally.

"No, it didn't go up my sleeve", said Tom underhandedly.

"I don't think I'll have the pickled fish today", said Tom unerringly.

"Carnivals are noisy and useless", griped Tom unfairly.

"My cookie is empty", said Tom unfortunately.

"No one got's to never go teasin' hisn's momma's momma with a feather", said Tom ungrammatically.

"You should never use a double negative, but it's okay this time", said Tom not unkindly.

"But a totalitarian government could remove all trace of my ever having existed!" said Tom unpersonably.

"This fabric is not good enough to make a bolero", said Tom unravellingly.

"Oops, I've ripped my pants!" was Tom's unseemly comment.

"I've stopped seeing my therapist", said Tom unshrinkingly.

"I want to date other women", said Tom unsteadily.

"This steering wheel really is stuck", Tom maintained unswervingly.

"No, I won't give you a note saying you're excused", said Tom unwaveringly.

"I prefer to die intestate", said Tom unwillingly.

"The roof is about to collapse", Tom upheld.

"Please get into the elevator", said Tom uppishly.

"The lion has its head caught in the skylight", said Tom uproariously.

V -return to index

"I feel so... empty", said Tom vacuously.

"Now I've got uranium in my bloodstream!" said Tom vaingloriously.

"What's the weather like?" the farmer questioned vainly.

"I will find out how many electrons that atom is sharing", said Tom valiantly.

"I invested in a high-tech startup", Tom ventured.

"I'm clenching my jaw because our local clergyman has a toothache", said Tom vicariously.

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her", said Agatha Christie virtuosically.

"A spirit transported me from the couch to the chair", said Tom, visibly moved.

W -return to index

"I'm very popular with women", said Don wanly.

"Give me some Chinese food", said Tom wantonly.

"Who? What?" asked Tom warily.

"Goodbye, and thanks for the radio", said Tom with a short wave.

"Look at my shiny kitchen floor", said Tom, waxing enthusiastic.

"I'm not impotent and I don't suffer from premature ejaculation when given head", Tom sputtered weakly, much too soon for Mary's taste.

"Every second feels like it lasts for seven days", said Tom in a moment of weakness.

"And this is a toilet seat", Tom went on.

"I have grape beverages", Tom whined with clarity.

"I passed my electrocardiogram", said Tom wholeheartedly.

"Dorian Gray's by Oscar", said Tom wildly.

"I designate you my chief heir", said Tom willingly.

"I am not a fraidy-cat", Tom wimppurred.

"... and lose a few", said Tom winsomely.

"Algol standards aren't the same without Niklaus on the committee", said Tom wirthlessly.

"This tooth extraction could take for ever", said Tom with infinite wisdom.

"All my knowledge cannot ease my arthritis", said the wiseacre.

"I know all the wherefores", said Tom wisely.

"I wish you wouldn't crucify him, but I'm washing my hands of the matter", said Pontius Pilate wishy-washily.

"I wish I could remember the name of that card game", said Tom wistfully.

"You can't even look after my plants while I'm away", said Tom witheringly.

"I tried to stop the horse by pulling the cord on the back", was Tom's tale of woe.

"I'll never use that brand of detergent again", said Tom woebetidedly.

"Stop that horse!" cried Tom woefully.

"Orlando's by Virginia", said Tom wolfishly.

"I'm knitting a sweater for my guppy", said Tom wolfishly.

"This must be an aerobics class", Tom worked out.

"These jokes turn my stomach", said Tom wretchedly.

"This is all from memory", Tom wrote.

"Goodbye, Columbus!" flipped Tom wrothly.

"Gin rummy with Brandy's scotched, Bud", whined Sherry wryly.

X -return to index

"I can't zeem to locate our enemy's disposable lighter", said Tom xenophobically.

"The entire map collection has been stolen!" said Tom xerographically.

"Every last one of you is a wimp", said Tom xerophytically. (Pronounce "xerophytically" with first "y" long.)

Y -return to index

"What do you think of the Tibetan ox?" yackety-yakked Tom.

"I hate sweet potatoes", Tom yammered.

"Well, don't bring it hither!" Tom yawned.

"I'm so full, I could blow up", said Tom yeastily.

"Something will have to be done to reduce the brightness of that Jovian satellite", Tom yodelled.

"You've got to be egging me on", yolked Tom.

"I used lots of detergent in late December", was Tom's yuletide comment.

Z -return to index

"That laser beam sure took care of MIT!" the mad scientist cackled in Zapotec.

"Zo please tell us what you have for zale", said Tom zealously.

"When I swore, my mother made me eat soap", said Tom zestfully.

"Your fly is undone", was Tom's zippy rejoinder.

"The baboons are at it again!" was Tom's zoophytic analysis.

"Return to the index", said Tom categorically.

Mail to Mark Israel
Sunbeams brightly play, where Fancy's fair pavilion once is pight